The first step to improved social interactions is to become aware of what you are doing that is harmful. Monitor yourself.
Are you truly listening or are you only waiting until you can put in your two cents worth? If so, make a commitment, that for the next month, you will focus completely on being a good listener--you will hyper-focus on this. If you say anything at all, it will be only to ask a simple, short question to clarify or expand what the speaker is saying. If you are listening to just one other person, occasionally ask her if you can say back what you heard her saying. And then just do it, simply and concisely. Don't add anything. Give her a chance to say if you have correctly understood what she said and then let her proceed while you return to your role as the good listener.
Are you interrupting others? Again, awareness is the key. Become aware of yourself in your interactions. If you are interrupting, take steps to stop it. When you feel the urge coming on, take a sip of water, make a note, take a deep breath and hold it for a second, think, "relax." Don't interrupt...and if you do, immediately recognize it, apologize for interrupting and encourage the speaker to go on.
What about changing the topic, going off on an unrelated tangent? Again, become aware if you have a tendency to do this and stop yourself. People don't appreciate it and will not view you kindly.
For the bigger problems--not paying enough attention and consistent attention to your friends--reflect on how much you want to improve your relationships. How much do you value having good friendships and what are you willing to do? Good friendships don't just happen. They take nurturing and care. Are you willing to do what is necessary? Will you make good friendships and relationships a priority? When you have the choice between learning about your new computer and going to a movie with a friend, will you put a higher value on going to the movie because of the long-term payoff? The choice is yours.
Put the pieces into place for nurturing your relationships. When you are talking with a friend, make your plans for the next time you will get together, make a firm commitment and get it on your calendar. Learn to use a computer-based program that will remind you of important dates--birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Get all the contact information for each of your friends recorded. Buy assorted cards and stamps to have on hand so you can easily remember birthdays and anniversaries. When shopping, pick up neat items you can use as unexpected gifts for friends. Buy tickets to some activity and ask them to go with you. Purposely tell them how much you appreciate their friendship, how much you enjoy the time you spend together, how much you look forward to some event you will be going to together in the future. Don't let too much time go by without being in touch with those whose friendship you value.
ADHD coaching can help you develop the friendships you desire. Contact Cynthia now to set up a trial coaching session by calling 253-238-0729 or emailing her at info@cynthiahammer.com
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Dear Cynthia,
I have contacted you in the past via ADD Resources and I had mentioned to you that your essays on ADHD really reached my heart in that initial frantic search for information (in my early diagnosis days).
I wanted to mention to you that I was recently diagnosed by my ADHD psychologist, Dr. Angeline Fitch, here in Calgary, to have an adult onset Borderline Personality Disorder.
Now that I am considering this in addition to my Severe ADHD and LD, I am able to curtail my behaviours and behave so much better in my social relationships... I know I am in the very beginning stages of recovery now that awareness exists about my BPD.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is such a boon for BPD patients.
I am finally hearing words that put some sort of definition to how I have felt internally and privately about myself for years and years.
Somehow, I am able to absorb the stuff and still find a way to Respect Myself. This is so new to me.
I think that is because I am being allowed to finally UNDERSTAND myself and that alone is a huge gain.
I never knew I had this other stuff going on. All this time.
Well, here's to Marsha Linehan's DBT and all you fine people who help us to improve our weaknesses.
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